


Struggle

by crmsndragonwngs



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 02:02:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5849722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crmsndragonwngs/pseuds/crmsndragonwngs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He struggles, and it hurts because she can't help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this post](http://crmsndragonwngs.tumblr.com/post/129660084131/imagine-this-seidou-has-been-captured-and-after).
> 
> This is just a short drabble. I wrote it in like half an hour while watching Spongebob, so...

He struggles. She can see it in the hunch of his shoulders when she walks past him, in the sudden tension running up his back when she walks through the door after work. She can see it in the twist of his face when she puts her takeout in the microwave, the curling of his lip when she sits down next to him on the couch with it. And she can _feel_ it. She can feel it when she tries to comfort him, when she hugs him and he constricts around her, sinks into her, breathing deep and shuddering with a low hum. Then he stiffens, pulls away, utters some bashful excuse as he looks everywhere but at her.

He struggles, and it hurts her to see it. So she begs Matsuri to consider him for the Quinx squad. She begs Arima to take him under his wing as he had Haise. They refuse. They always refuse.

“But why not?” She demands, slamming hands on desks, raising her voice as pity crosses their faces. “He has the training already. He was a _good_ investigator.”

“Yes he _was_ , Akira.” They both say, again and again.

One day she comes home, and he is sitting on the floor in front of the couch. She doesn’t know if she can handle seeing him like this, hunched in on himself and twisting his fingers into knots to keep from chewing them down to nubs.

But then he looks at her, and his eyes are glassy and lost. Tears are streaming down his face and over jaw muscles clenched so tight they stand out beneath his pale skin. And she finds the strength to step forward as he reaches for her like a child. She touches his hands, his face, his hair. She sits behind him on the couch and drags her fingers through the white mess, picking knots free when she finds them, and he begins to speak.

It comes in a flood; the torture, the hatred, the hunger. He tells her everything as she begins to braid his hair. She shifts, lets one leg dangle against his arm, and he grabs her foot in hands that seem too cold for life. He kneads it gently, and tells her about his missions, about how the other ghouls feared him, about how he’d felt when he’d seen her at the auction house.

“I was ashamed.” He murmurs, his voice hoarse and thick with tears. “But, in some twisted way, I was proud. You finally got to see how strong I was. Thinking back on it now… You must think I’m a monster.”

“No.” She says softly, and he turns to look at her, pulling the white strands of his hair from her fingers.

“Say that again.” He requests softly, his eyes large as they search hers.

“I don’t think you’re a monster, Seidou.” She smiles, and he stares. 

But he doesn’t question it. Instead, he grabs her legs, pulls her off the couch and into his lap. His arms close around her, his face presses into her neck, and for the first time since she’d brought him here he doesn’t stiffen. He doesn’t pull away.

He just holds her, breathing deeply and evenly, and she smiles.


	2. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years of torture yields vivid nightmares, but Akira is grounding, a source of calm comfort in the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here's the drabble that comes directly after the first chapter.](http://crmsndragonwngs.tumblr.com/post/138328803886/anyone-interested-in-extremely-short-drabbly) It's not really long enough to bother with posting here, so there's the tumblr link :) 
> 
> Also, note that these are not necessarily in order. You can place them in any order you like if you wish, but this event did not necessarily happen after chapter one. I'm only putting them in chapters to keep them all together.

There are nights that Seidou can’t sleep. Nights that the nightmares settle into his bones like cement and he is paralyzed by his fear. Nights that his skin crawls under the memory of cold steel, pressing into his flesh and beyond, of shrieking so loud and hard and long that blood spurts into his mouth.

Akira is usually still awake when he tries to sleep. She sits up late, sifting through the day’s case files as she watches cheesy horror films on tv. When he wakes up, trying to swallow the scream that hangs in his throat, he listens for the sounds that tell him she is still there. Then he gets up, puts on his socks to keep away the chill of the hardwood floor, and pads into the living room to curl up next to her on the couch. She never says a word. She just shifts to accommodate him, flips to one of the cartoon channels, then silently continues her work.

He falls asleep there, feeling safe, and wakes up the next morning stretched out where she’d left him, a pillow shoved under his head and a quilt draped over his body. He pretends to sleep as she moves around the room. Eventually, she sits on the edge of the couch to put on her shoes, her hip pressing lightly into his side. Then she leaves for work, and he wonders if he should have said something.

But one night, it is different.

He wakes up, trying to swallow his scream, and puts on his socks to pad into the living room where he assumes Akira will be.

He finds the room dark and empty, and for a moment he panics.

His first thought is that she’s been kidnapped. That someone had come and taken her when he’d been sleeping, just as Eto had with his family so long ago.

His vision sharpens suddenly, every tiny detail jumping out at him like fire, and heat begins to rise across his shoulders. 

“Seidou.” A calm voice calls from behind him, and he whirls, catching Akira’s large eyes shining in the dark. The steady thrum of her pulse prickles against his skin, even from across the room, and he tries to make himself match the easy rhythm of her breath. “Everything’s okay. You’re safe, it was just a nightmare.” And he doesn’t realize how tense he had been until he is able to relax again. 

“Sorry.” He murmurs, squeezing his eyes shut when her gaze drifts to the left side of his face.

“It’s okay.” She reassures him, and he jumps when she presses a hand to his cheek. Her thumb strokes across his closed left eye, and he cracks the other to peer at her. “Open it.” His human eye widens.

“I’m not… It’s not…”

“I know. Open it.” 

He stares at her, then, slowly, he cracks open his other eye.

She doesn’t flinch, doesn’t look away. She simply looks into it, gently stroking the bone of his cheek.

Then, finally, he is calm and his kakugan fades with his fear, and the corner of her mouth twitches with something like a smile. He sighs.

“Can you sit with me? Until I fall asleep?” He asks, sheepish and hesitant, and she searches his eyes for a moment.

“I’ve got a better idea.” She replies, stifling a yawn as she reaches to take his hand. She leads him down the hall, into her room, and he stops dead in the entrance. 

“Akira.” He warns as she pulls on his arm. She huffs.

“I’m tired, Takizawa, and I don’t want to sit in the living room watching tv until you’re asleep. So you either sleep in here with me, or you sleep in your room alone. Up to you.” She snaps, releasing his hand and crawling back into her bed.

He stands there for a while, turns to look down the hall forlornly, then heaves another sigh and moves as quietly as he can to her bed. He scoots under the covers, balances himself on the very edge of the mattress, and curls into the smallest ball he can manage.

But, somehow, it’s not the same. So he dozes for a few moments, then jerks awake to Eto’s dreamed voice, and dozes again, and jerks awake again and again and again. Finally, Akira growls at him.

He feels her shift behind him, then a small hand grabs his shirt and yanks him back. He yelps and scrambles, but then she presses herself against him, her arm draping over his waist, and she is so warm.

When he wakes the next morning, he is stretched out in her bed, and her small form is still pressed against him. Her face is buried in his back, her legs are tangled with his, and he pretends he is still asleep when she stretches, squeezing him like a little girl might squeeze a teddy bear.

He wonders if he should say something, but when he twists to look at her, she grumbles something about curry and wriggles closer to him, and he can’t bring himself to wake her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm, like, obsessed with this au. You can make up your own headcanons about how this arrangement came to be, because I don't really have a situation in mind lol. I just decided one day, hey, what if ghoul!Seidou somehow gets better and lives with Akira?
> 
> [Here's the tag for this au on tumblr](http://crmsndragonwngs.tumblr.com/tagged/struggle-au). I might post shorter drabbles there occasionally :)


	3. Resuscitate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Akira manages to capture Seidou during the Auction Raid. Or, one of the many scenarios that could lead to Akira keeping a crazy little half-ghoul in her apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Find me in the shadows,  
> Find me in the darkest night...  
> I'm alive! I'm alive!"  
> [Resuscitate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHOitbbqr-0)  
> Fireflight

She sees him, standing hunched and turned away from her, blood soaking into his stark white hair. She cannot think, cannot move, and it is not until he twitches and peeks up at her that she actually recognizes him.

“Taki--” She chokes, and the name burns in her throat.

“Hee hee, it’s Mado!” His voice is cracked, strangled, and she flinches at the sound.

Then he turns to flee, and she does not hesitate.

Her quinque lashes, moving with just the smallest flick of her wrist, and takes his legs out from under him. 

He screams as they separate at the knees, laughs as they reattach (she’d never seen a ghoul regenerate so fast, not even Haise), and turns, eyes flashing and teeth bared.

“Shoulda known Mado would be quick with her quinque.” He snarls, his kagune blooming across his shoulders. “Overachiever.” He lunges, too fast for her to track, and she barely has enough time to sling Fueguchi One around, knocking him out of the air just before he is on her. He laughs, spits blood, and lunges again, sliding under her attack and appearing behind her seemingly out of thin air. 

_Ukaku. Fast. Why didn’t I expect that?_ She thinks, bracing for his killing blow.

But...he doesn’t touch her. He just stands behind her, breathing hard, and for a moment she is too afraid to move.

Finally, she turns, looking at him even though she’d rather not. He is standing stock still, chest heaving, crystal plumage shimmering and hazy behind him. There is a far-away cast to his eye.

Then, calmly, “Help me, Akira.” And she cannot feel her body. She feels as if she is standing outside of it, looking at a lost little boy and a broken little girl, and tears spring to her eyes before she can stop them.

“Seidou.” She says, trying to force her voice above a whisper but failing. 

“Akira!” A voice suddenly shouts, probably the backup she’d radioed for, and Takizawa’s gaze snaps back into focus. He looks at her as though he doesn’t recognize her, and leaps away, trying to flee again. And again, she doesn’t hesitate.

She twists, and her quinque flashes out, slamming into him and pinning him to the ground. A young investigator darts forward, weapon drawn, but Akira holds out a hand.

“Wait.” She says, and the investigator stops in his tracks. “I’m taking him alive.”


	4. Valentine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira comes home to a Valentine's Day surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really short fic, intentionally cut short. I'll let you all decided what happens!! 
> 
> Remember that these are all headcanon drabbles, with no real continuity, so they're all super open to interpretation. 
> 
> Enjoy?
> 
> Also, happy Valentine's Day :)

Akira is used to eventful Valentine’s days. Since she was a little girl, boys have always gone out of their way to give her gifts. Usually it’s cards or paper flowers, but occasionally someone would awkwardly present a box of chocolates or a stuffed animal holding a little red heart.

Today had been no different. Almost every lower ranked investigator had left gifts on her desk, and a few higher ranks had surprised her as well. Even Arima had given her something, though it had clearly been meant in irony (or, at least, she _hoped_ that’s how he’d meant it).

The most surprising had been Sasaki’s gift. A year ago, she wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but he’d changed so much in these recent months. The CCG’s Black Reaper, though once sweet and giving, was not known for sentimentality anymore. It was a simple gift, a single wrapped chocolate sitting atop a cat-shaped card that read “You’re Purr-fect.” She’d thought it sweet, but surprising.

Well, the most surprising until she got home, that is.

The entire apartment smells like jalapenos and burning cheese. Takizawa is bustling around the kitchen, looking for all the world like a frantic housewife. He jumps when she shuts the door behind her, and whirls around with a panicked look on his face.

“You’re home!” He squeaks, then clears his throat and steps out from around the counter. “You’re not supposed to be home for another hour!”

“I left early. What are you doing?”

“N-nothing?”

“It doesn’t smell like nothing.”

“I uh…” He shifts his weight and clasps his hands behind his back. “I...I was gonna make heart-shaped quesadillas, but it all tastes like shit to me, so…” He flushes and clears his throat again. “Surprise?”

“Indeed.” She murmurs, leaning to look into the kitchen behind him. “Something’s on fire.”

“Oh shit!” He hisses, rushing back to the stove.

“So, what made you think of quesadillas?” She asks, watching as he puts out the pan.

“I was looking up spicy food that I could make into the shape of a heart.” He throws the pan in the sink, food and all, and sighs in exasperation. “Sorry, now it smells like burnt vomit in here.”

“You said that, not me.” She giggles, and he looks up in surprise. “Okay, look, if you want we can just go out.”

“Like a date?” And he looks too hopeful.

“We could go to a coffee shop so you can get something too.” She evades.

“Okay. Okay, yeah! There’s one a few blocks over that has a Valentine’s special!” 

“You know, your therapist advises against--”

“Yeah, I know. No committed or deeply emotional relationships that could serve to set me back should they unexpectedly end, he only tells me every time I see him.” He steps around the counter and puts his hands on her shoulders. “I just wanted to do something special for you. You’ve done so much for me, I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”

“You don’t have to repay me.”

“But I want to. Please?” He waggles his eyebrows. “I’ll even give you permission to tease me about being sentimental.” She tries very hard to keep a straight face and sighs.

“Fine.” She huffs. “But you know I hate Valentine’s Day.” He chuckles.

“Oh, I remember.” And his smile is brilliant. She struggles to stifle her own.

“Just...no more surprises, okay?” He snorts.

“Sure, Akira.” But she knows him better than that.


	5. Flash Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seidou finds a _really_ belated birthday gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4774268?view_full_work=true) first, or you'll absolutely be lost lol.
> 
> I didn't proofread either, so uh...yeah sorry :/ I usually do, I just can't seem to focus on it right now though.
> 
> I love this AU so much, you guys.

“I can’t believe you kept this!” Takizawa calls from down the hall. Akira pauses, waiting for him to continue, then flips the report in her lap shut.

“Kept what?” She asks. Silence is her only answer. She sighs, stamps her feet to get blood flowing to her legs again, and goes to find him.

“Do you know where the charger is?” He mumbles without looking up as she walks into her bedroom. He is sitting on the floor in front of her closet, legs tucked neatly underneath him. He turns something small and rectangular over in his hands, and it is not until he flips it open that she realizes what it is.

The DS. She’d forgotten all about it.

“Oh. No, I haven’t touched it since--”

“Since I died.” His hands freeze, and his voice is flat.

“Since your first birthday after you died.” He looks up at her then, a questioning look on his face, but she waves nonchalantly. “I was feeling nostalgic.” 

“Mado Akira, the cold-hearted quinque lover, _nostalgic_.” He lifts an eyebrow. “Never thought I’d hear that.”

“There’s a lot about me you don’t know, Takizawa Seidou.” She snaps haughtily, kicking his leg. “And anyway, I enjoyed playing that stupid game with you.” 

“Sentimental too! How revealing.” He laughs and she kicks him again. 

He shuffles through the box for a while, sorting all the other forgotten novelties that inhabited it and commenting snidely on each. After a few moments, he gives a triumphant yell and holds up a grey cord. He jumps to his feet and crosses the room to a power outlet, then flops backward onto the bed, waiting patiently for it to come to life. It takes a minute or two, but eventually the screen flickers.

“Oh wow, I’ve never played this one.” He murmurs, swinging his feet. He tilts his head back to look at her and grins. “Feels just like Christmas!” 

“Merry way-belated Christmas, then. Or birthday, since that’s when I bought it” Akira chuckles, sitting down next to him. He hums contentedly and turns back to the DS.

“Did you get any better at team building?” He teases, laughing when she smacks his shoulder. 

“I don’t even remember what I have.” She sighs, “I only played it once.”

“Well then, let’s--” He freezes, his entire body going rigid.

“What?” Akira asks, immediately on guard. He doesn’t move, doesn’t respond at all. She touches his shoulder tentatively, and when he sits up she resists her sudden urge to flee.

But when he twists to look at her, there are tears in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispers, snapping the DS shut.

“About what?” Akira demands. “Seidou, what’s wrong?” He shudders, then hands her the system. She opens it, flicks her eyes to the screen and the Growlithe bobbing there. To the name that seems to take up the entire field of her vision.

Seidou.

“Oh.” She mouths, her breath catching. She pauses to find her voice. “Oh, no, I’m sorry, I forgot all about this, I--”

“Arcanine was...is my favorite Pokemon.” He murmurs, swiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. “It’s okay, I don’t mind. I just…” He takes a deep breath. “I wasn’t expecting that.” He looks up at her, biting his lip hard. “Did you really--” But then he seems to think better of it. 

“Did I really what?” She smiles, and he clears his throat.

“Did you really miss me that much?” 

“Yeah, well.” She shrugs, then hands the DS back to him. “Like I said, there’s a lot about me you don’t know.”

 _Give me a break, will ya?_ She thinks, and she wonders why he’s always so surprised when she shows him how sentimental she really is.


	6. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seidou returns to the CCG, only to find he’s been assigned to Suzuya squad.

He meets Houji at the RC scanner, nervously loosening his tie again and again until there’s really no point to it anymore. The suit feels like a false skin, too close and hot and foreign for him to ever get used to. He’s not sure how he wore these things before, and now, after so many years of loose fitting clothes, the suit is positively stifling. By the time Houji reaches him, looking as clean and placid as he had been all those years ago, Takizawa’s jacket sags, his collar hangs uneven, and he looks every inch out of place.

“Hello, Takizawa-kun.” Houji greets him, a kind smile on his face. But his eyes are...distrustful. Takizawa feels the wind let out of his sails a little, and bows quickly to hide his sudden uncertainty.

“Houji-san, it’s good to see you again!” He says, his voice too loud in this quiet lobby. He tries not to flinch when several investigators look up at him from beyond the scanners with surprise.

“Yes, it is good to see you as well. How are you feeling?” And it’s such a strange question that Takizawa can’t seem to find an answer. How was he feeling? That was a complicated question. He wasn’t sick, not anymore, and he was in high spirits, but there was always a shadow. And a spike of unbridled fear.

“Well.” He answers instead, because he’s sure Houji is just making polite conversation. “Ready to start the day.” Houji nods, the smile still painted on his face, and looks beyond the scanners.

“Are you waiting for your superior? Is he late?” He asks, a little impatiently, and Takizawa starts.

“M-my superior? I was waiting for--” But Houji raises a hand.

“Ah, nevermind. I see him now.” He hesitates, then rests his hand on Takizawa’s shoulder. “I hope you have a good first day, Takizawa-kun. Truly.” And then he steps beyond the scanners, leaving Takizawa to stare after him.

“Takizawa-kun!!” A shrill voice says, not giving him time to process what had just happened. He starts again, looks wildly after the voice, and turns around just in time to catch Suzuya mid-leap. He stands there, holding his former associate on instinct, then shrieks and drops him, scrabbling to pry the stitched arms off his neck.

“Wh-what the hell?! You can’t just go around jumping on people, Suzuya!” He says, backing away.

Suzuya tilts his head.

“Ready to get to work? We’ve got a big, big case to get to today.” Suzuya says brightly, bouncing up on his toes. Takizawa stares. “Oops! I forgot!! I have to let you through the scanners!! Hold on, let me just…” He dances away, through the gates and to a panel on the other side. There is a beeping sound, and then Suzuya is waving at him grandly. “C’mon, they’re off!!”

Takizawa walks through the scanners, his feet moving without his command, and he takes the time to figure out what the hell is happening while Suzuya turns the scanners back on.

“There, all set. Have you gotten a key card yet? You should do that soon, so that I don’t have to come let you in all the time.” Suzuya asks, grabbing his arm and dragging him down the corridor.

“I have one, I just…” Takizawa tries, then stops and does not let Suzuya pull him any farther. “Wait, what...what’s happening?”

“I’m taking you to our squad room. I said we have a case, right?” Suzuya replies, stepping away and looking at him with wide eyes. He tilts his head comically, his black hair (wasn’t his hair white before?) falling into his face despite the red hair clips meant to hold it in place.

“ _Our_ squad room?”

“Yeah, didn’t Akira-san tell you? You’re in my squad.”

No.

That’s not right. 

He’s in Houji’s squad.

Isn’t he?

The realization hits him like a freight train. Of course he’s not in Houji’s squad, that’s why Houji had acted so weird. And why would he be? Takizawa had been gone for four years, of course he wouldn’t have a place on his former squad. But this...

“I’m in _Suzuya squad?!_ ” He shouts, making several investigators jump and clutch their briefcases anxiously. Suzuya blinks, then grins brightly and grabs Takizawa’s shoulders.

“Yeah, isn’t that great! It’ll be just like old times!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this idea is too funny not to explore. There will be more of this, I promise. Again, none of the stories in this work are chronological, and really I should have put them in a series instead but oh well. This is my favorite AU ever, is2g.
> 
> Also, this fic assumes not everyone in the CCG knows that ghouls registered as V members are not picked up by RC Scanners (Yoshimura's kakuhou, which Seidou posesses). So they believe they must turn off the scanners for Seidou to pass through without setting them off.


	7. Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"A stormy sea_  
>  _If you sink all the way down,_  
>  _the bottom of the sea might be –_  
>  _perhaps unexpectedly –_  
>  _gently standing still."_  
>  Ishida Sui

It’s been years since Akira saved him. Years since Eto’s torture had ended, and Takizawa’s own form of torture began. Years since he’d finally let Akira in, since he’d finally allowed himself to heal.

The psychosis has subsided, the rage has dissipated, the fear has waned, but he will never be the man he was before...everything. His hair has grown out, and his eyes aren’t quite so baggy anymore, but the anxiety has yet to fade.

He doubts it ever will.

It started simply enough, so simply that he didn’t realize it was actually a problem for a long time. It would come in the form of a tiny pang in his stomach when Akira came home from work, a cord of tense muscle that refused to relax, a slight breathlessness when he received his meals. He told himself that it was nothing, just some left over stress that hadn’t quite gone away, trauma attached to small parts of his day that will eventually heal.

But one day, he frets. And he can’t stop fretting. He wrings his hands and he frets about his life, past and present and future, and he frets about the fact that he is at home while someone else works to feed him. He frets and he worries and he struggles with the idea of being a burden, of being too clingy, of needing too much and providing too little. He knows Akira must resent him for all that he is, and he is suddenly afraid to face her. 

Then she comes home, and all he can think is that he has to get away from her. He has to get away from her before she can see through to the fluttering creature within him. His heart breaks into a sprint, all the air is driven out of his lungs, and every muscle in his body goes completely rigid. He wants to flee.

But instead he freezes, staring past her with wide eyes, and his thoughts are drown out by the clanging of bells and the frantic pounding of his heart. He feels like he’s going to die. He can’t breathe, he can’t move, and something ancient rises up within him, clawing and shrieking and begging him to run, to fight, to do anything but sit here and wait for death. 

“Seidou.” Akira says suddenly, softly. His eyes snap to her, and she regards him calmly. He watches as she sets down her things, and takes off her shoes, a methodical ritual he has seen a hundred times before. She sighs and looks at him again. “It’s alright. You’re scared, and that’s okay. But you are safe, and this will pass. Just breathe.”

So he takes a deep breath that hitches in his chest, and promptly bursts into tears.

She crosses the room to him, sits down beside him, and puts her arms around him, drawing him close and holding him as tightly as she can. And he clings to her, shaking and sobbing and wishing he could just disappear. But she is an anchor, calm and strong and still, and even when he finally quiets, she doesn’t let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually really scared to post this one because it came from a very personal place. I suffer from an anxiety disorder, and when I saw that poem by Ishida-sensei a while back, it really resonated with me. And the reason why I love Seidou so much is because he is so incredibly human. He's vulnerable, self conscious, testy, and afraid to die. In :re, he is still all of these things, except he hides it behind a thick layer of shock value and rage. So what about within this AU? After he goes through therapy and settles into a healthy environment, how will his body react to no longer being in the line of fire? Probably with anxiety. Anyway, this is how my anxiety manifests, hence the personal nature of this piece, and I wanted to apply it to the character that I identify with the most. If anything, I hope that this will help someone out there by letting them know that they aren't alone.


End file.
